Yelp Review: Mos Eisley Cantina, Tattooine

Two-And-A-Half Stars

Went with some friends who were in town for a few days. I’d been hearing I “had to go” to this place for a while, so I suggested we give it a shot. Here’s my takeaway:

THE GOOD:

• Food was decent enough for the money. I had the seared Bantha burrito with spicy Jawa dipping sauce . My buddy thought the Tusken fries were pretty good. Better than your average chain restaurant but nothing spectacular.

• Decor was nothing fancy: your everyday, run-of-the-mill spaceport watering hole. Kinda dark and moody.

• I dug the live music. This band Figrin Dan and the Modal Nodes were firing on all cylinders, with their hot jazz takes on some outer rim classics.

• The crowd was pretty diverse: they had everything from werewolves to devil-looking dudes to giant furry monsters hanging around the bar. You’re not gonna see a more diverse group than that this side of Anchor Head.

THE BAD:

• Not much of a drink selection: they had mostly that blue liquid that seems to be everywhere on Tattooine. Has anyone on this planet ever heard of an IPA? Hello!

• The whole “we don’t serve droids” thing? Kinda put me off, to be honest. Isn’t that discrimination? My droid, OU812, was very upset at having to leave and sit outside by himself. I thought our society had moved past that, but I guess I was wrong. We’ve got to do the work people: we’ve got to do the work!

• Now, I’d heard that this place was a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but I did not expect it to be THIS out of control. They’ve GOT to do something about safety and maintaining order because the behavior of some of the customers made us feel really unsafe. Here are two examples of what happened while were were there:

  • This ugly guy and his friend whose mouth looked like a butt were bugging this young dude who was just minding his own business at the bar. I guess they took it too far ‘cause outta nowhere this old geezer stepped in, whipped out a lightsaber and whacked the guy’s arm off in one stroke. No joke! The arm was just lying there in a pool of blood and people were like, “nothing to see here.” Must happen all the time.

  • A little while later I’m chatting with my buddies and I hear a laser blast, so I look over and there’s this green alien lying facedown on the table in the corner. I assumed he was drunk but he wasn’t: he was dead! And this dude with a white shirt and black vest gets up, tosses a coin to the bartender, apologizes for the “mess” and strides out like nothing happened. One word: insanity.

I mean, come on! Two murders in the span of ten minutes! Is this what we’ve come to in our society? Call me crazy, but you can’t enjoy your meal while people are blasting each other and cutting off arms right in front of you. They should at least have had the decency to step outside and do those things. That’s what people did back in my day.

So I’m giving this place two-and-a-half stars. Once they dazzle up the drink menu, re-think the “no droids” policy and tighten up security I may consider adding some stars, but until then, consider this a War of the Stars.

Postscript:

The picture above is the Star Wars Cantina play set from the 1970s, which I used to own and treasure. And when I say treasure, I mean I loved it in a way that puts the love I have for my children to shame. I wish that was a joke, but, alas, it’s not. Somewhere along the way, like most toys, this treasure disappeared from my life. I blame my mother because, well, she’s the obvious culprit, and, well, it’s easier than taking ownership and admitting I may have been the one to make the tragic decision to toss this toy in the trash. But just looking at this picture makes my heart skip a step and causes me to pine for simpler times.

(And in case you’re wondering, Han did shoot first.)